we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
