I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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