i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
