got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
