you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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