He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
