Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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