So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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