dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
