just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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