I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
