I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
