I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
