Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
