my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We had to coat check the pizza.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize