She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize