Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
