haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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