Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
