My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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