flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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