So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
