I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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