dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
