All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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