moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
