It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
