bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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