i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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