How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize