she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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