If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
