I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Who died my cat blue again?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
