Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
