I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
