She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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