More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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