Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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