Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
