I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just forgot I was standing up.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
