Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
