Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I know her cup size but not her name....
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
