tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize