I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
