I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize