its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
