HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
