So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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