Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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