We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
