everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
