I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
