it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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