I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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