well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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