good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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