just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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