i permit you to call me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
